suicide notes #25

i had this trite idea some time ago whilst listening to ‘suicide’.  i would find sheet music online for a ‘suicide’  track and to each musical note i would add a link to an actual suicide note.  i don’t know why i thought this would be worthwhile.  i didn’t do it.  not only because of the dubious merit but if i’m honest, the search for ‘suicide’ sheet music proved to be difficult.

i’m reading ’45’.  it is a book by bill drummond.  he was in The KLF.  i didn’t understand them at first, The KLF i mean.  i was maybe 10 or 11.  i don’t understand now either, but my memory was more exclusive when i was younger.  what i mean is i would discount certain elements on a need to know basis.  i believe it was a conscious decision to allow my imagination roam free.  i was to understand the justified ancients of mu mu when i was a responsible adult.  i was alert to music.  i was aware that most records are pretty shite, and that thankfully the luxury of taste allows us to absorb the finest stuff.  (sadly, i feel inclined to point out here that since i’m not a supermarket, ‘finest’ does not quantify most expensive).  so memory rekindled i type The KLF into spotify and was a little disappointed when all i could find was a remix of ‘3am eternal’.  (during the course of writing this i’ve discovered the band had their back catalogue deleted).

’45’ is a collection of his exploits and adventures as an ‘artist’, musician and almost druidical mischief maker.  such joys as attempting to hang 2 dead cows from a electricity pylon, burning one million quid,  promoting an imaginary black metal finnish band (called ‘The Fuckers’ – who for the sake of  amusement you should know comprise of Billy Fuck on vocals, Nasty Fuck on guitar, JJ Fuck on bass and Sick Fuck on drums) – that sort of thing.  in another section he had this idea of writing  his name using block capitals in a london A-Z using the roads and pathways as guidance as best he could:


he then walked the route spelled out by his name.  he took pleasure in this, almost as a kind of invisible graffiti tag.  on the second ‘L’ he stumbled upon a small art gallery.  inside there was an ordnance survey map in a frame.  it had a circle in the centre and the footpaths within the circle had been blacked out.  there is a note beside the picture explaining how the artist had walked each of these routes.  bill understood this to be a sign, although he did not understand what it was telling him.  i like this, nothing and yet something.

inspired is not the right word, but my mind came back to the suicide notes.  i felt i should go through the process with disregard.  the process of nothing becoming something or vice versa.  i wonder if it’s as simple a thing as lack of understanding that feeds a self-imposed curiosity that leads us to create, operating like some sort of BLIND FAITH.  i search again.  i didn’t find what i was looking for but almost immediately i came across an image that caught my eye; the sheet music for ‘3am eternal’ by The K.L.F.

maybe that’s all i was looking for, a connection.

t b c.


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