Alistair and Honey are hoping to capture their own slice of country life by moving to an amazing rural pad. Having pillaged city life, they now have £550, 000 to spend on a property.
Before they can begin their search in depth we should look at our clients’ search criteria:
- Alistair and Honey own 4 horses so need livery stables and paddock
- They have one spoilt teenage child who needs an annexe
- Alistair wants an island in his kitchen
Alistair runs his own business. He is small, balding and when he smiles it feels dirty. Honey looks after the children and horses. I detest both at first but I’m warming to Honey as the show moves on. Our host is also named Alistair. Alistair Appleton. When I first switched on ‘Escape to the Country’, I thought it was ‘Songs of Praise’. Alistair Appleton was walking down a country lane with an almost zen gentle awareness. I could tell Alistair Appleton all of my problems and he would listen and offer good advice. Alistair Appleton is not likeable, but feels almost beyond reproach. I can’t work out if I would be attraced to him if I was female. I’m concerned that I may have a secret admiration for Alistair Appleton.
When Balding Alistair speaks you want him to stop. I can’t help but believe that this couple were hooked up via a dating agency. Honey would never admit to liking Alistair purely for financial reasons, but it’s not gone unnoticed by this viewer that he is not the biological father of the two children. She is no budding Venus and was probably at a time in her life when offers were not in abundance. She was aware that there was something not quite right about him, but maybe it was all in her head?
There is a fly buzzing against the window in my room. I’m trying to direct him out. He seems to be allowing me to move him. Ever since I saw a BBC documentary that showed me how much my movements are slowed from the fly’s perspective, I understood that I shouldn’t be able to do this so it seems strange that this fly seems to allow me to connect with him. Maybe he’s tired of buzzing and is patiently waiting to die.
After viewing a property they catch up occasionally in a country pub garden and the chemistry between Honey and Alistair Appleton is electric. Honey leans in toward Appleton when he speaks. Appleton plays along, gazing into Honey’s eyes whilst at the same time subconsciously winking at the viewer, ‘we’re in this together’. Balding Alistair keeps talking about wanting an island in the kitchen, I wish he’d keep quiet. ‘Honey can’t cook’, he says ‘..I need my island’.
Balding Alistair likes to say that he likes beer, but I don’t think Alistair does like beer. When Alistair drinks he feels somewhat threatened by the loss of control and gets itchy feet for another business deal, another smooth and comforting transaction. I do feel some tinge of regret when I wonder how Balding Alistair would feel if he read this, but I like to think he’d take on board some home truths and think twice before allowing that unnatural smile to reveal his inner 666.
Alistair Appleton closes the show: ‘I for one will be interested to see if the Honey effect kicks in and sweetens the deal..’.